I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?