i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
