the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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