someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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