You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
