just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
