forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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