i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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