next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
