If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
