I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
