I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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