he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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