yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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