Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
