they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
