Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
