So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
