this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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