So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
