he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
