you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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