i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
