Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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