help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
