i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
