You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
