when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize