I'm so fucking centered right now
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
