I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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