If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
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we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
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There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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