If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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