Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
