ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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