she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
