sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
