Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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