nut hugger
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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