Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
