:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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