i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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