I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
