my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
