theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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