Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
