You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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