you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
