i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
