Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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