You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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