Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
