This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
