Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
barbara walters just said penis...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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