Your tits are I can't wait for
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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