Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
