He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
