You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
